It is time to get this going....

Instead of JUST documenting my attempts at becoming that shiny happy person everyone loves, I am going to use this to help myself become that annoying person.

No therapy is working well enough on my depression to make me much more than barely functioning. So when a friend suggested I use my blog to help myself and maybe others who are dealing with the same daily struggles I thought "pfft, no one wants to read about how I have a good life yet am still hardly able to get out of bed"...

However, the more I thought about it, I realized maybe someone will relate. And maybe they can help me... and in turn, I help raise awareness of mental health issues and the various things people have done to help themselves.

For the record, I am still buying stones, doing distance healing and various other kooky sounding things to find mental peace and quiet. And I have to say, I am now a believer in stone healing and Binaural Beat Therapy. I will continue to try new things and review them to save you time, money, and your dignity.

The truth behind it all...

I opened my personal struggles with depression up enough in this blog I may as well add this.

The reason I have not posted the rest of my adventures with rocks in my pockets is because my depression has been so bad I have barely gotten out of bed. To be way to honest, I took my first shower in four days tonight. I am OCD so normally I am very very clean. I just have not had the energy, or motivation.

I promise to get this done as soon as I can....

It all started with what I thought was fake science...

I have horrible grammar and I word things oddly, or so I have been told.

I hope you read the blog on how I got to this point in trying to become more positive. OK, go...

I am starting this blog because people have been telling me for years that I am the most negative person they know, and that I always look angry. I have also had a life plagued with strange bad luck... I am embarking on an adventure of sorts to change my negative ways, get botox so I don't always look so pissed off, and hopefully change my luck.

A few months ago my husband bought me an iPhone for our 1 yr. anniversary. I kept finding these apps for binaural beat and brain entrainment. I started listening, since they claimed to be able to give you confidence, energy ( which I have zero of ) and help you sleep, improve mood and so on. I downloaded every one I think. And I listened to them. And I read up on them and found out its real science, not just some bullshit for the app store.

So after a few months of using the BB and BE apps I actually started thinking differently about my habits. A change for the better... and that kept me motivated.

But then that's also when it got weird. And that is where this all gets interesting, I hope. After some abnormally horrible luck, and matters I will not get into I ended up having to move back to my home state of MI and in with my parents. My husband stayed in FL and moved in with his family as well. This was the time I knew much larger changes had to happen.

I found some of the BB apps that said that could cleanse my chakras. And that would help things in my life. Now, I am not a new agey person. I have never given much, if any thought to my chakras. But I was at a point where if it would help, I was open minded to try it. So, I tried them. And I really can't say if they worked or not because I am also on a shitboat of drugs for depression and anxiety. But they were relaxing, if nothing else. And that was a nice change because I am never relaxed at all.

I read up on my chakras and listened to chakra toning apps to cleanse them and help ground me and various other claims. Again, I was a bit relaxed after listening to them. But the more I read on them I started noticing "stone" or "crystal" healing and balancing being mentioned.

So, obviously I went and bought stones. I mean, really, what other choice did I have at that point?

And so I will go into my trials and... experiments with keeping stones in my pocket on my next blog.

Who am I and what the hell am I doing?

Last night I wrote a long rambling poorly written blog. After reading it today I realized there was no back story of how I got to the point of it all. I mean, other than I am negative and trying to become more positive. A lot went into this rather forced self reflection. And so here is that tid bit of brutal honesty about who I am.

My name is Lea, I am 34 yrs old and have been in therapy for depression and anxiety since 1982. I was in second grade when my parents started me in therapy for phobias. I am an only child to parents who just celebrated their 50th anniversary last year. My problems are not my upbringing, they are my broken brain. In fact I had a great childhood. With that said, my parents are very negative. They are wonderful parents in many ways, in most the important ways. But negative lil birds they are indeed. I still love them and wouldn't trade them in for happy optimistic people for anything. That's a lie. I'd love to get rid of that black fog surrounding us.

I have been on meds for depression and anxiety the better part of my life. After losing my insurance and going into community mental health programs for my meds and therapy I realized that those people don't care. If they help you, rad. If they don't, well, they cant cure everyone. Non of it made me more positive, and my negativity was written off as part of my depression.

My anxiety and OCD had gotten to the point it was hard for me to work and continue school. Now, I worked the same job for 8 yrs, and another job for 3 yrs with various part time jobs for extra cash. I even owned my own screen printing business for a while. But expecting others to keep the system I develop is not easy when they do not have OCD and don't care if a pencil is in the pen caddy. Something that kept me awake at night if I didn't fix before leaving for the day. Co-workers thought I was a negative jerk who wanted them to clean up after themselves. I was. Totally.

This was just my normal life. It cost me a lot of important people. I didn't want people to get to close and get stuck in my world of crazy. But then I got to a point I was doing ok. I was functional again. After I met my husband I moved to FL, with the hopes that relocation may help me. FL has a horrible mental health system. I was given meds that had not worked years ago, received no therapy at all and only had med checks every 3 months. And those visits were 10 min each.

Needless to admit, my mental health deteriorated... My depression had me almost unable to leave bed. My husband had never dealt with anything like this before. And two years later, it had gotten so bad that along with various other circumstances, I had to move back to MI and in with my parents. I had been on my own since I was 23 so this was not easy. My husband was in FL, but I do have my 2 dogs, who are my best support system. They don't care if I am negative, they love me anyway.

Getting back into the MI community mental Health system has been a task... but one I have to handle, because off meds, I am not a person.

AND NOW COMES THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS....
I am sick of being on a million meds and still feeling like shit all the time. I started researching alternative therapies. Anything that may help me get some quality of life and be normal. I have lost my faith in western medicine and their love of just giving you new and stronger meds. And I opened my mind to the idea of alternative meds and healing...

After realizing how absurd some of these "therapies" are, I decided I was going to blog the journey. My focus is not just to get better mentally, but to become more positive. I want to lose this black cloud that hangs around me all the time.

So, here we go.

I have a new blog.

REJOICE!